Feeling

Вера Кантемирова

... This is the use of memory:

For liberation - not less of love but expanding

Of love beyond desire, and so liberation

From the future as well as the past...

T.S. Eliot

Remember the whole day spending with you, it was December, just one day with you, the day full of joy, love and me smiling at you, the day turned me happy and crazy about you. So close we were, only me and you, deeply in your eyes, hands in hands. Oh, that wonderful day changed everything, gave me confidence, made me hope. Yes, that day I didn't doubt we would be together forever. I believed in our love, our future life, I believed in everything, believed in us. I really was the happiest woman on the earth. I was. And you? Were you happy? I supposed you were, but... Remember you were smiling and laughing and you seemed to be calm and free of worry and thoughts about your various problems. You were with me that day, with me even if your thoughts and feelings didn't belong to me. But then I didn't see it. I saw only you. I didn't realize you were waiting for something, for somebody.

Much later I understood that you expected me to be not me, to be Her. But I was never anyone like Her. I was just me, I wasn't your dream or something and that made you suffer. Step by step you became nervous, almost angry and at last burst out and ruined my happiness. Remember your cruel words. Why did you do this? Maybe my love, my tenderness bothered you because you didn't feel the same. You told me everything. You wanted to be honest, you said you didn't want to lie. But it was so painful that I would have preferred you to lie. The truth killed the moment, destroyed the feeling of joy and happiness. So, that was you with all you honesty trying not to hurt and however hurting. We parted. I haven't seen you since then.

First I thought I would never love again. But life didn't end after you'd left me. Now I'm really happy without you. But I'll never forget one of the happiest and at the same time most painful days of my life. Thank you for the life experience.